Date:         Sat, 16 Sep 1995 22:19:08 EDT
From: gilbertsmith <gsmith@social.chass.ncsu.edu>
Subject:      WHTMOMBD 1
To: Multiple recipients of list WORDS-L <words-l@uga.cc.uga.edu>

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME ON MY BIRTHDAY 1

1)  So, I wake up at 6:45 as I usually do and the first voice I hear
is that of my m/m, from across the room.  She says:  "Happy
Birthday, bye, I have to go.  Be home early tonight for a surprise."
I do all the things I usually do to get myself ready for work and
head for the office.

2)  Walking toward my office, my mind <reels> at the anticipation of
the scene when I arrive:  streamers across my door, a huge HB banner,
and inside, hidden in every nook and cranny, a colleague who jumps up
and screams "Have A Happy Birthday -GGS."  Then, a nice cake with
lots of candles and a bundle of presents.

3)  I get to the office and check my mailbox before confronting my
office door, decorated to the hilt.  Lots of messages to return phone
calls, including a note that one of my sons had called and would call
back.  The two secretaries look up from their work.  One says: "Oh,
Happy Birthday."  The other:  "Oh, yeah, Happy Birthday."  I think:
"You can't fool me.  There is *more* to this than meets the eye."

4)  I take the plunge and round the corner and there it is:  my
office door, blank.  Oh, I think, the surprise is inside.  Going
inside, I find on my desk a cupcake with a single candle in it.  I
light the candle, make a wish, and blow it out.  Then I look behind
the sofa.  There is no one there.

5)  I confront the other secretary and ask:  "Did you do that
cupcake?"  She confesses that she did, that she and the other secs
thought about doing a big deal but then realized they would have to
do it for *everyone*, so they settled on a cupcake.  I say:  "Good
idea.  Thanks."

6)  I go to my executive committee meeting of the Senate and when I
walk in, everyone jumps up and sings Happy Birthday.  Very nice.
There is a <pie> with a piece cut for me with a candle in it.  I
light the candle, make a wish for everyone to see, and blow it out.
Then, they throw me down on the table, pull down my pants in back and
summon a sleezy character from the other room who proceeds to tattoo
a piece of his art on my backside.  In red and white.  It hurts, but
I try to be as pleasant as possible.

7)  Finally home, I run to the bathroom and stand before the mirror,
checking my tender backside.  The tattoo is a replica of gavel, in
white, with the word: SENATE in red.  Not bad.  I like it.
--ggs

Date:         Sat, 16 Sep 1995 22:43:23 EDT
From: gilbertsmith <gsmith@social.chass.ncsu.edu>
Subject:      WHTMOMBD 2
To: Multiple recipients of list WORDS-L <words-l@uga.cc.uga.edu>

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME ON MY BIRTHDAY 2

8)  There is a dinner prepared and a cake and some presents, but I
have trouble sitting because of my poor little heinie.  The m/m asks:
"Why are you sitting like that?"  I say:  "I am more comfortable this
way."  After dinner, I make a wish and blow out the candles on the
cake, then open the presents:  tickets to a show of my choice and a
very nice fountain pen, which I test by writing <words-l> twenty five
times while the m/m says:  "Why are you writing *that*?  I am getting
irritated and it is your birthday."  I say:  "I have to."

9)  After presents, the m/m, and my step-son, and my step-daughter,
each in turn, insist on giving me fifty eight licks on my sore heinie
with a leather strap, and I cry a little.  They say: "Why are you
crying, you sissy?"  I say:  "I have to."

10)  Another surprise:  we are invited to a late-night party, which
the m/m describes to me as "sex-negative".  When I question just
exactly what that means, she says:  "I don't know, but we have to go."
We do go, and it turns out to be a party for me, which explains why
it is described in the invitation as "sex-negative", at least that's
what the m/m says.  There are gifts:
    a)  a can of pegeon peas from the local Harris Teeter.
    b)  a new, unopened copy of Windows 95.
    c)  a copy of "Sex At The Auto Parts Store", passages of which
        the guests insist I read aloud.
    d)  an autographed copy of the latest promo photo of Antonio
        Banderas, signed "From one hunk to another".
    e)  a vidotape of some virus movie, with a note attached: "Hope
        you haven't seen this, or if you have, that you haven't *had*
        this".
    f)  a copy of Bloom's latest pamphlet, "Fun With The Subjunctive
        Mood".
    g)  a copy of O.J.'s new book, inscribed: "To -ggs, from one guy
        who didn't do it to another who <never>".

11)  The guests then insist on spanking me, 58 times each, but when
    they pull down my pants, they say:  "Yo!  What is this?"  They all
    look at the m/m, who checks the evidence and hides her surprise
    with:  "I *told* you not to go pulling your pants down tonight.
    I *told* you!"   When asked to explain, she says:  "Well, since I
    am so emotionally <attached> to this part of my hubby's body, I
    thought I would just make it mine."

12)  I think, as I always do:  "What a <neato> spouse I have."  I
    also think:  "This has been the best birthday ever.  This has been
    a WL-BD, and it doesn't get any better than this."
--ggs